Last night, my friend Katie and I shared the hammock in my backyard as we gazed upon tiny flashing lights from soaring airplanes above.
“Where do you think that plane is going?”
“Bermuda, probably.”
We laughed and continued to point out other airplanes passing by. We guessed which exotic locations they were off to and felt jealous of the adventures those passengers were about to embark on, or stories others have as they fly back home.
“Do you ever think about how small we are?”
“What do you mean?”
“We live on this earth, we work, get married, retire and then we die. That’s it. We just, die.”
“Yeah. I do think about that, a lot actually. It makes me want to get up and go places, do something before life just..ends.”
“If you were to reincarnate, what would you want to be?”
“An otter. Or a really pretty Christmas tree.”
Katie and I laughed, mostly at how long we held that conversation without cracking a joke.
As our hammock gently rocked, the smell of mid-summer dew from freshly cut grass filled our senses and the soft night breeze brushed against our skin. I can hear both our breathing become heavy as we unintentionally fell asleep.
My eyes opened for a moment and looked back up at the airplanes still flying above. I started to wonder if I’ll ever have the opportunity to travel again. Wondered when’s the next time I’ll feel something more than just the same-ol-same. I thought, ‘if I died tomorrow, what have I done that someone will remember..’
All the significant moments in my life raced through my brain. They seem like a big deal now, but in 50 years, how important will it all REALLY be..
It made me feel small, hopeless. Like a little ant in a gigantic, infinite universe.
Katie moved her leg on top of mine, I swung the hammock to wake her.
“Do you ever think where the universe stops? It has to end somewhere, right? Nothing can be infinite.”
“I think it’s just how our brain works, we can’t fathom infinity,” she mumbled.
She studied Psychology so, apparently she’s an expert on how the human brain functions. 😉
We can’t process the end of the universe the same reason we can’t process the idea of your life ending and realizing that 70, 80 or 90 years of is all we have to live.
Life is short and I feel like I still haven’t seen many places or gotten to know many people. I think that’s what scares me; realizing I haven’t done or said anything significant to be worthy of remembering. I may not be making much money nor changing lives on a daily basis and even if I’m not remembered, I hope to be happy, successful, have the ability to fall in love, create a family and travel in-between.
A million different little thoughts continued to race through my mind as I rocked the hammock. I glanced down at Katie who was laying beside my feet and suddenly paused. I looked back up at the sky to watch those stupid little airplanes soar above, as if they were shooting stars wishing that one day, I’ll be up there starting my own adventure.
I buried my head back into the hammock, shut my eyes and fell asleep, only to continue thinking about infinite possibilities.
Jessica Moy Blog 