Valentine’s Day is approaching and whether you’re a bitter Betty or look forward to receiving edible underwear from your last minute desperate-times-calls-for-desperate-measures Tinder date, the commercial day of love is going to happen, whether you like it or not.

It’s been awhile since I’ve written an advice post and thought I’d give my five cents when it comes to love and relationships. First thing you should know, never come to me for dating advice. You’re probably wondering, why the heck am I reading this post then? I don’t know, you chose to be here (I’m thankful for it, love you, please don’t leave me). When it comes to sage advice, I provide insight when it comes to how to sweet talk your way to floor seats at a concert, how to use chopsticks without offending your ancestors, and (my specialty) how to look like you have your life together when you really do not.. but when it comes to “Jessica what should I do if the guy I met on Tinder who I’ve been ‘seeing’ for two months isn’t returning my texts, and on Instagram it looks like he’s into some blonde bimbo named Christie.” My response will likely be me rolling my eyes and telling you, “I don’t know.. watch Netflix, eat an entire bag of two bite brownies and get over it.” Or if I’m feeling rebellious, “I’m sorry about your situation, wanna go egg his car?”

As you can see, my dating advice either has you gaining 5lbs or running from the cops.

So, why am I going to provide you five tips on dating? Because it’s nearing Valentine’s Day and thought I’d give insight on my own dating experience that you can learn from. You’re welcome, I guess?

5 DATING TIPS TO CONSIDER OR WHATEVER:

1. Never have expectations, ever

Don’t be the person who hears wedding bells the first time you meet someone that doesn’t hate you. When we’re beginning to get to know a person and his perfect hair has you swooning, we want to imagine where this is going. Before you get ahead of yourself, I’ve learned if you don’t have expectations, you’re never disappointed. Don’t expect them to text back, open doors, tell you you’re beautiful or laugh at your jokes that aren’t funny. If they liiiikkkkee you, they’ll do it automatically without you expecting or having to remind them. I learned this when a few of my dates either never showed up (LOL!) or canceled super last minute. If mama raised him right, he’ll sweep you off your feet in the best way possible, no expectations necessary.

2. Don’t let the first date turn into a frat party

Sometimes the date isn’t going well so we turn to our friend Jack Daniel for liquid courage. Hey now. You’re better than that. Have one drink. ONE. Unless this is strictly a booty thang then, you do you. Meeting for a drink is the most common way guys ask me out but if he can’t commit to a REAL date, like a meal or an activity such as bowling or ice skating.. don’t expect him to commit to you. Right? That’s how I see it. I usually agree to meet for drinks (there’s nothing wrong with it, I just don’t view it as a date) but I’ve learned over the past couple years that once you pass the point of no longer sober, it’s downhill from there. If you do slip up (this is a judgement free zone), get home safe and always give his number to a friend before you go, in case he kidnaps you.

3. Giving props is not the best way to end a date

At least this is what I’ve been told. For my own amusement, I give props after every first date just to see how he reacts. I also always ask what their second favourite vegetable is.. because it’s an hilarious question and I don’t ever expect (see point #1) for him to take me on a second date so, what do I have to lose? My dignity? HAHA, right..

4. There’s plenty of fish in the sea 

What if you had to be with tuna for the rest of your life? Tuna tells you to change how you look, asks for money and flirts with girls right in front of you but, you settle because it’s safe and comfortable. What if a handsome salmon comes along and constantly compliments your smile and ambition. Or a charming beluga whale who buys you seaweed because he whimsically thought of you and knows you like them. Or a famous starfish who owns a yacht and wants to hold your hand to show the underwater world how proud he is to be with an amazing person like you. YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN TUNA!

5. Love is love is love is love

I told a guy I loved him once, he responded with, “I don’t feel the same, and I don’t think I ever will.” While he never reciprocated the feeling, I learned throughout my life that there is more than one type of love.

Love is complicated. It’s emotions, attachment, getting to know every single detail about a person, the placement of every freckle, embarrassing stories, what they like/dislike at McDonalds and then.. things change and you never talk to them again. As if they weren’t a big part of your life for a long time (woah, we just got real). Love is a topic I am nowhere near an expert in but I do know there are people in your life who DO care, are proud and want nothing less than for you to be happy.

This is advice I’m going to preach to you, and my future daughter one day: The most important person to love, is yourself. Cue cheesy music and let the cliches rain. Shush for a second. Self-love is important. Love how strong you are. Love your quirks. Love your ambition and the fact that you’ve failed many times but never, ever gave up. Love your thunder thighs. Love the fact that you work hard and knew the moment you needed a break (because you care about your well-being) you watched the full second season of The Mindy Project to relax. Dating is not the only form of love, and once you realize that you’ll understand that there’s more to life than crying over boys who never reciprocated the endorphins you once felt. This Valentine’s Day, do something good for you. Treat yourself to a bubble bath and a healthy homemade dinner. You’re a good time! Enjoy your own company! Plus you can count on yourself to always show up and know exactly what you want. 😉

xo

Jessica